Mixed emotions

Exactly one year ago today, I sat in my OB's office and listened to him tell me that our baby may be in danger.  That she wasn't growing enough and they were starting to get concerned.  For the next three days Matt and I tried to stay calm and away from Google, although it was a futile attempt on both parts.  Three days later, after a follow-up ultrasound showed things were getting worse, I was transferred and admitted to a hospital with a Level III NICU, and 48 hours later Elyse was born. 

As her birthday approaches, I have been anticipating the day with mixed emotions.  We are so thankful for Elyse, and the challenges she has overcome, but how do you celebrate one of the scariest days of your life?  A day that robbed us of the joy and celebration of a new birth, and instead replaced it with fear and anxiety?  That took every ounce of control from our hands, and set the stage for the emotionally turbulent year to come? 

I'm just not ready for the big celebration yet, even though I think Elyse is especially deserving of it.  So instead, we will delay the big party until closer to her due date, and focus on spending time together as a family.  We are hitting the road, and taking the kids somewhere fun, where we can simply enjoy the moment and celebrate our time together (Great Wolf Lodge, here we come!).  I may not be looking forward to the big day, but I sure am excited to spend it with my three favourite people, and celebrate all that we have been through together.

As for Elyse, she is doing wonderfully.  Her feeding tube came out a few days before Christmas, and although her weight gain was stagnant for a while, she is finally starting to eat well and we are happy to see those numbers starting to climb.  She is still being followed by a dietitian and occupational therapist, but is making good progress and it has been nice to watch those appointments starting to get further apart.  We also received good news last month that her blood clot is stable, and were finally able to stop giving her twice daily Enoxaparin injections (hooray!).  It sure is nice to finally feel like things are getting back to normal again -- I think that in itself is something to celebrate!